


I'm erasing myself from the narrative

by 50tabsoffanfiction



Category: Be More Chill - Iconis/Tracz
Genre: Also...forgot to add...my theory, Angst, First chapter is Michael in the bathroom, I can't believe this fic is going to be multi chapter, I love these kids so much, I should be getting ready for graduation, It all started with a headcanon that Michael listened to Hamilton, It ended up much bigger than planned, Jeremy's dad gives his blessing to Michael, Michael and Rich are best friend, Michael listening to Hamilton's Burn while burning his ties to Jeremy in The Pants Song, Musical solely from Michael's pov, Rich (didn't ) set a fire and burned down the house, This should have been a small fic...., losts of angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-01
Updated: 2017-06-08
Packaged: 2018-11-07 18:24:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 8,047
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11064606
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/50tabsoffanfiction/pseuds/50tabsoffanfiction
Summary: Halloween party was the most talked about thing in school. Everybody who is anybody is going to be there. Michael never went to those kind of  parties before. He would usually spend Halloween with Jeremy. When they grew out of trick of treating they started having a Halloween themed movie marathon. Michael no longer had his player two. His player two was going to be at that party. Jeremy was going there, with Brooke. Even though Michael was no longer part of Jeremy's life, he still kept himself updated with what Jeremy was doing. It wasn't like he could ignore whenever someone mentioned Jeremy Heere's name. Michael couldn't ignore Jeremy Heere. He decided to go to the party, not to try to get into the cool crowd. The only thing that Michael cared about was Jeremy. He had to warn him about what squip could do.





	1. You and your words, obsessed with your legacy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Awesome party." Michael sarcastically said under his breath, "I'm so glad I came."

Michael isolated himself. He was angry. Angry at the world. Angry at himself. Everything around him reminded him of Jeremy. Reminded him of his best friend who no longer saw him as a friend. All because of that stupid squip. When Jeremy started avoiding him and flat out ignoring his presence, Michael decided to research what exactly is inside his best friend's head. Since there were no information about squips online when he googled it, Michael tried another tactic. People. He played a lot of online games, and made few internet friends over the years. It was a while before he got a response to his questions. He was horrified with what he learned.

'my brother was admitted in mental hospital because of it,' Magihera whispered him on World of Warcraft. 

The story behind that one line scared Michael. What will happen to Jeremy if he keeps that thing. The only reason why Jeremy was ignoring his existence was because of that stupid computer in his brain. Michael couldn't hold Jeremy's actions against him, when Jeremy has no control over them. 

Halloween party was the most talked about thing in school. Everybody who is anybody is going to be there. Michael never went to those kind of parties before. He would usually spend Halloween with Jeremy. When they grew out of trick of treating they started having a Halloween themed movie marathon. Michael no longer had his player two. His player two was going to be at that party. Jeremy was going there, with Brooke. Even though Michael was no longer part of Jeremy's life, he still kept himself updated with what Jeremy was doing. It wasn't like he could ignore whenever someone mentioned Jeremy Heere's name. Michael couldn't ignore Jeremy Heere. He decided to go to the party, not to try to get into the cool crowd. The only thing that Michael cared about was Jeremy. He had to warn him about what squip could do. What kind of damage it can leave.

Nobody even noticed Michael at the party. Nobody paid any attention to him, and he was relieved. He didn't want to make small talk, or anything. He tried to spot Jeremy in the crowd of teenagers. They were all drinking, dancing, making out. Normal teenage things. Michael didn't care about any of that. Only thing that mattered was Jeremy. When Michael finally saw Jeremy he almost didn't recognise him. Jeremy's costume made him look, what Michael could only describe as eerie. It was eerie how robotic he looked. It was almost as if Jeremy's cyborg costume foreshadowed something terrible. 

Michael lost Jeremy in the crowd few times. Jeremy was socialising with everyone. Everyone but Michael. It stung. Michael remembered the time they were both invisible to the world, and now he was alone. Alone in the crowd. Alone in the crowd trying to get just one person to notice him. He felt frustrated. He even pulled at Jeremy's sleeve, but the other boy just looked straight through him. As if Michael wasn't even there. Before Michael could even feel his heart sink Jeremy was gone. Michael was getting angrier by the minute the party dragged along.

Michael drank. He wasn't counting anymore how many he drinks he had. He overheard Jenna and Brooke talking about Jeremy. 

"He went up stairs with Chloe," Jenna yelled over the music. 

"Are you sure?" Brooke yelled back, but her voice seemed small.

Brooke went upstairs to check what Jenna had told her, and Michael stayed down stairs almost rooted to the floor. He knew Jeremy could never be his. He knew that, but yet. Chloe? Since when was Jeremy into Chloe? Michael took another drink. Jeremy was into Christine. Michael came to terms with losing Jeremy to Christine. She was sweet, and everyone loved her. Michael wasn't ready to lose Jeremy to just any girl. Michael knew Jeremy wasn't the type of guy who would sleep with just anyone. The image of Jeremy with someone, some blob that definitely wasn't Michael popped into his head. He was angry. He already had a ranting speech he wanted to tell Jeremy, and it was getting longer with each second. Michael needed to find Jeremy and warn him about squip. Before it's too late. Before he loses Jeremy forever. 

Brooke passed Michael in tears. Michael climbed the stairs. Jeremy was here somewhere. Before he could even start to search the rooms for Jeremy, Michael heard Jake shouting. Michael couldn't let the host see him trespassing on his party uninvited. Thankfully bathroom door was open so Michael slipped right in there and hid in the bathtub. There was banging on a door. Some moaning. 

"HEAR THAT? I'M HAVING HOT SEX WITH JEREMY ALL OVER YOUR PARENTS' LINENS!" Chloe yelled through the door. 

Michael could feel his heart sinking even deeper than when he saw Jeremy in his cyborg costume.

"No we're not! I swear we're not!" Jeremy said way too quickly to be a lie. 

Michael could tell that Jeremy was telling the truth. It filled him with relief. There were a lot of voices. Pushing. Crying. Michael could hear all of it. Even with the loud music in the background. He couldn't exactly hear the words being said, but he could hear trouble. 

With a crash the bathroom door was shut. Michael looked from the thub. Jeremy. In that moment he forgot he was mad at him. It was Jeremy, and Jeremy looked terrified. Michael realised how much he missed him. In that moment Michael wanted to wrap Jeremy in a hug and tell him he would be okay. Jeremy took few steps back, staring at the door he just locked. When his legs hit the thub he slid to the floor. He looked so broken. So alone. Michael forgot his angry speech. Not knowing how to get the other boys attention Michael placed his hand on Jeremy's shoulder. Jeremy screamed so loud and high pitched that it took everything Michael had not to laugh. 

"Sup," Michael revealed himself.

Jeremy looked at him, not through. Michael's brain short circuited when Jeremy said his name, "Michael? I didn't know you were invited to this party?" 

"I wasn't. Which is why I'm wearing this clever disguise," Michael gestured to himself. 

He actually wasn't wearing anything to mask his identity. He was wearing a dark sweater with CREEPER written on it. Michael noticed Jeremy was staring at him. He wanted Jeremy to stare, to look at him. He was so deprived of Jeremy's stare, it felt nice to be this close to him again. Michael stood up and got out of the bathtub.

"You're speechless." Michael half smiled. He was still angry, but being with Jeremy, who actually acknowledged his presence. After so long of being invisible to Jeremy, Michael wasn't even sure how to describe his feelings."Squip got your tongue?" 

"It's...uhm, off," Jeremy said.

That would explain why Jeremy was talking to him, and not pretending he doesn't exist. He bitterly said what was on his mind. He had forgotten his pissed off monologue, but he remembered he wanted to say one. Then he noticed Jeremy's drunken smiling face staring at him. Only him. It was enough to stop him mid sentence. How he missed Jeremy's smile. Michael felt pathetic how Jeremy deprived he'd been that just one smile can make him forget what words are.

"What?" Michael asked hoping really hard that Jeremy doesn't see how unnerved he is. 

"It's really good to see you, man." Jeremy was smiling. 

It's really good to see you. Michael wished that was the truth, but he was carrier of bad news. "It won't be. Once you hear what I found out."

"Found out?" Jeremy made his cute drunk confused face. 

Michael told him everything he found out. About the guy in the mental hospital. About how illogical it was that a supercomputer's primary function would be to get some teenage geek laid. Michael just wanted his Jeremy back. "Of all possible applications for this such a mind-blowing technology, you ever wonder what's doing inside you?" 

"And I thought Chloe was jealous." 

"I'm honestly asking."

"Oh, really?" Jeremy crossed his arms. He looked less and less like Jeremy Michael knew. "Because I think you're just pissed that I have one and you don't!"

Michael felt like Jeremy was slipping through his fingers like sand. "Come on-"

"Maybe I've gotten lucky! Is that so weird? With my history, I say the universe owed me one." This Jeremy was nothing like Jeremy Michael knew. This Jeremy was bitter, and angry, and far from geeky charming sweet Jeremy Michael grown up with. "And I don't know about your friend's brother's whatever, but if you're telling me his squip got him crazy-" 

"His squip didn't make him crazy," Michael was desperate for Jeremy to listen to him. "HE GOT CRAZY TRYING TO GET IT OUT!" 

There was a beat of silence.

"Then I've got nothing to worry about. Why would I want that?" 

Jeremy wasn't listening to him. He didn't get in what kind of trouble he's gotten himself into. Michael blocked Jeremy's exit. He would do anything for Jeremy to listen. 

"Move it!" Jeremy demanded.

"Or you'll what? " Michael was breaking inside. This Jeremy infront of him wasn't his. It hurt seeing Jeremy like this. 

"Get out of the way. Loser." 

Loser. Jeremy's words hit him in the chest like a spear, and someone twisted it inside him. He stepped aside to let Jeremy pass. He didn't want this Jeremy to see him break down and cry. 

He stayed in the bathroom alone. He felt pathetic. For the first time since Jeremy got that squip Michael felt left alone. Most of his identity was tied to Jeremy. Jeremy was his player two. Jeremy and Michael against the world. 

"Other people have to pee!" Michael heard Jenna knock. 

"I'm having my period!" Michael yelled back. 

He gained Jenna's sympathy and she left him alone to grieve. Michael sobbed alone. He could hear his sobs as echoes in the bathroom. He missed Jeremy. His Jeremy. He wanted to go back in time. Maybe even tell Jeremy of the past how much he loved him. The music was so loud Michael hoped nobody from the party heard his sobs. He covered his mouth to listen to whats going on at the party.

Right outside the door some drunk girl sang to Whitney Houston's "I wanna dance with somebody". All Michael could think about was how his Jeremy would mockingly sing along. He hated how there was no longer his Jeremy. He could feel himself drowning in his tears. Jeremy was no longer his Jeremy. He was probably back to pretending Michael doesn't exist. Jeremy was probably out there having fun. Drinking. Dancing. Making out. Michael was no longer Jeremy's. Jeremy will probably start hanging out with someone cooler than Michael. Jeremy will find someone new, while Michael would remain alone. Hiding in this bathroom, at the biggest party of the fall. Michael was nobody. He regreted all the drinks he had. He regreted coming to the party. 

People started knocking. Michael wanted them to leave him alone. They knocked repeatedly. Demanding whoever was in the bathroom to open the door and leave so that they could take a piss. Michael didn't want to reenter the party. He felt his chest squeezing. 

"Aw hell yeah, I'll be out soon!" He assured whoever was banging on the door. 

Michael splashed some water on his face to hide the tears. The reflection in the mirror had big puffy red eyes from crying. Michael felt pathetic. He could pretend he smoked a joint while he was hiding in the bathroom. He was already known as a stoner. If people even knew him. Michael was known in school as that antisocial kid with headphones who hang around Jeremy. Take Jeremy away from that and he was just the loner with headphones. He took a deep breath and went to open the door. He couldn't hear anyone outside anymore, so he withdrew his hand from the doorknob. He was such a loser. Everything about him is uncool. He could never get his friend back being himself. A sob escaped him. He muffled it with his sleeves. He shouldn't have even come here. He wasted his time coming here. He should've stayed home. In his bed. He should have stayed away from Jeremy. He pushed away his glasses to wipe his face. The bathroom felt like a safe bubble away from the crowd. He didn't want to go in to the crowd again. Yet the bathroom also felt like a prison. He was trapped by the crowd of teenagers outside. It took him a while to gather up the courage to open the door. He put a fake smile on his face.

Some drunk girl rushed into the bathroom as soon as Michael stepped out. 

"Awesome party." Michael sarcastically said under his breath, "I'm so glad I came."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Because of this fic I burned my pasta...


	2. I'm burning the memories

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I’m burning the memories  
> Burning the letters that might have redeemed you  
> You forfeit all rights to my heart
> 
> Micheal sat outside his porch. With a match in one hand, trash can in other and a box of memories he found in his closet. Everything felt too heavy. He looked over each thing before throwing it in the flame. As he threw the item, he threw away the memory that was tied to it. Memories get erased, and Micheal was ready to accept the fact that Jeremy didn't want him. Jeremy didn't want him as a friend, and Jeremy as hell didn't want him as a boyfriend.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Previous chapter made me burn my pasta...this chapter..well...lets just say I cried while writing it..and also, i have a theory that Rich didn't set a fire and burned down the house, in my end notes you can see my thought process how i theorised what really happened, and in my fic you can see more detailed scenario of the events

Michael pretended he belonged at the party when he surly didn't. The panic attack in the bathroom killed his buzz. He still sniffed and hiccuped the tears, but none of his peers noticed. They were either too drunk, too high or too horny to pay Michael any attention. The music was so loud, and the song that was playing wasn't even that good. He regreted not bringing his own headphones. He really wished he hadn't came. 

He went down stairs. He needed more beer. Just to numb his feelings. He felt as if some invisible hand was squeezing his chest. Jeremy was sitting at the couch, talking to Christine. It was like that whole conversation in the bathroom didn't happen. Michael couldn't watch. He could feel his chin and lower lip trembling. The pressure on his chest raising. He couldn't stay here. He couldn't watch. It was far too painful. Jeremy pretending Michael didn't exist. That all they been through didn't exist. 

"MOUNTAIN DEW RED?" Rich grabbed Michael's arms. 

Rich looked terrified. His eyes were wide and erratic. He was squeezing hard. It took few seconds for Michael to get back to reality, but those seconds were too long. Rich already went to another party guest.

"I NEED MOUNTAIN DEW RED!" 

Michael was sure Rich was high. Mountain Dew Red was discontinued long time ago. Why would Rich. Then he realised. Rich had a squip. From what Michael learnt from Magihera people on squip didn't drink or smoke. Since the computer was in the brain, and alcohol and drugs disrupt the brain, squip is temporarily off. Or it malfunctions or something. Michael had no idea what squip did if the person was intoxicated. Neither had Magihera. It was all pure guessing. So why did Rich act as if he was having a mental breakdown. 

"I NEED MOUNTAIN DEW RED!" Rich demanded. Few party goers that payed attention to Rich laughed. Some even pulled out their phones to record him. 

Michael observed Rich's behaviour. Rich gestured as if something is going to explode. He went over to Jeremy and asked him for Mountain Dew Red. Michael noticed that Christine wasn't with him anymore. He couldn't hear what Jeremy and Rich were talking about. Their interaction was very strange. Rich spasmed. Jeremy took one confused look at Rich, and then he got up and left. Jeremy squeezed himself through the crowed and left. Rich curled in a ball. Screaming how he wanted it to shut off. 

Michael stepped down to meet Rich. 

"Hey buddy. Look at me. You're going to be alright." Michael talked softly to Rich. 

Rich mumbled something under his breath. He raised his hands to his head and started banging it. This was not good. 

"CAN YOU TURN OFF THE MUSIC?" Michael yelled to the crowd, but he got ignored. Realising that the crowd could only do more damage than good, Michael decided he needed to stop this party. Not wanting to leave Rich alone surrounded by drunk teenagers who were recording his breakdown, he helped smaller boy to his feet. 

"We are going to find Jake, okay?" Michael said. 

"Alt F4" Rich whispered but it was loud enough for Michael to hear him. "Alt F4" 

Michael, being a nerd, understood that was a keyboard shortcut. Rich wanted to shut off his squip. Rich repeated the shortcut, over and over again. After struggling to get Rich walking, Michael picked him up. It was fortunate that Rich was small and light enough for Michael to carry him upstairs. Micheal let Rich down once they were outside Jake's parents room. He heard moaning coming from inside. If it weren't for Rich, who was rocking back and forth at this point, Michael would never dared to open the door.

Jake was on his parents bed with Chloe. The room smelled of sweat. Michael found the two teenagers nude in really inappropriate pose. Chloe screamed and covered herself with blankets. Jake yelled at Michael for not knocking. Michael closed his eyes. He didn't need to know how straight sex looked in person. Rich started crying, and pleading for the voice to shut up. Chloe ordered Michael to close the door. Michael didn't. 

"Jake...uhm..." Michael forgot what he wanted to tell the host. 

"Is that Rich outside?" Jake said. 

Michael opened his eyes. Jake was naked. All those extracurriculars Jake took were really doing good to his body. Michael couldn't help but stare at Jake's body and admiring. For a teenage body in puberty, Jake made puberty work for him. Jake pushed Michael aside and saw Rich shaking. 

"You have to send everyone home." Michael said when he finally collected his thoughts. 

"Jakey," Chloe got up from bed, still using blankets to cover herself, " What's going on?" 

Jake didn't answer her. Noticing he was naked he went back inside the room to find his cloths. Chloe noticed Rich shaking and mumbling something to himself. Michael stood awkwardly by her side. He could see her business in the back, since the blanket wasn't covering her there. He covered his eyes. He didn't want to see Chloe naked. If he never saw a girl naked again, it will be too soon. 

"Is he high?" Chloe asked.

"No." Michael said too quickly. He wished Chloe would get dressed so that he wouldn't have to keep his eyes closed. 

"Chloe get dressed," Jake said, "The party's over. " 

Michael peeked through his fingers to see Chloe going back inside the room and closing the door behind her. Jake was wearing only his pants, and Michael was left appreciating his back muscles. Archery made Jake's muscles perfectly defined. It was like looking at a renaissance sculpture. To be honest Michael wasn't listening to what Jake said, but soon everyone was whining. The crowd of teenagers turned off the music, got their stuff. Those who were awake, shuck those who weren't. Chloe exited fully dressed, or at least dressed in her baby costume. Soon enough everyone left Jake's house. Only ones left were Jake, Rich and Michael. 

Michael explained to Jake what he thought was wrong with Rich. He even told him about his theory that Mountain Dew Red turns off the squip. 

"But, where can we find Mountain Dew Red?" Jake asked holding Rich so that the smaller boy wouldn't pull his hair out. "Wasn't it discontinued?" 

"Yes. Luckily for you, I know where to get some." 

Jake raised his eyebrow. Michael promised he will be right back, and he left Jake to take care of Rich. As fast as he could, without dying, Michael went to his place and back to Jake's with a bottle of Mountain Dew Red. It was fortunate that Michael lived close to Jake. When he got back Jake was holding both of Rich's hands. It looked like Rich got a clump of hair in each hand, and Michael wasn't sure if the hair belonged to Rich or Jake. 

"Thank god you came back!" Jake said. 

Rich was fighting both Jake and Michael, as they tried to help him. Michael spilled some of the soda on the floor. 

"You hold him firmly. I'll force him to drink." Michael said. 

Jake nodded, and in matter of seconds he had overpowered Rich. Jake held both Rich's hands behind the smaller boys back and locked his legs between his own. Rich couldn't move. Michael got Rich to take few large sips from the bottle. That's when Rich became even more erratic. He started tossing more violently. He screamed louder. Jake couldn't hold him firmly anymore. Jake lost his balance and he fell. He screamed in pain. Michael grabbed the phone and called the ambulance. He was terrified. He forgot that calling 911 was an option before this point. The operator calmed Michael down so that Michael could give them all the information he had. 

Ambulance arrived quickly. Jake and Rich were carried out on stretchers.The paramedics gave Micheal a ride too. He was sitting with Jake, while another ambulance drove Rich. Rich fell unconscious while the boys waited for the paramedics. 

"This is all my fault." Micheal cried trying to make himself smaller in his shock blanket.

Jake too was an emotional wreck. "I'm so scared." 

The ride to the hospital didn't take long, but when both boys were terrified and had no idea how the third one is, it felt like an eternity. 

"The party was a disaster." Jake sniffed. 

"It wasn't that bad." Michael tried to cheer him up, but he could tell Jake knew he was lying. 

"My best friend is in a coma! I can't feel my legs, and the only guy who is here is the guy who wasn't even invited to the party." 

"At least you still have a best friend." Michael said weakly.

Jake didn't hear him, and he continued his speech, "And the worst part is, I will have to return to an empty house." 

The doctors that checked the boys informed them on Rich's condition. He was to stay in the hospital for few weeks, in full cast. His body had suffered a lot of damage because of the squip. There will be a difficult physical and psychological therapy before he will be okay, but the doctors seemed optimistic. Jake had broken both his legs, yet Micheal cried the most. 

At school the word got out that an ambulance visited Jake's house. Jenna told everyone how she heard that Rich burned the place down. Everyone had their own theories about Rich setting a fire, which never happened. Rich was burning with fever, he wasn't burning the house, but that didn't matter to the school tabloids. Someone had a video where Rich was rambling. People around school started debating if he was intoxicated or not. Those who were with him during the party swore Rich refused both alcohol and pot. 

"He was sober!" 

"Did he really burn down the house?" 

"Jake broke both his legs jumping out of the burning house."

"I saw Rich on the stretcher. He was in a body bag!"

"I heard he fled to Bombay." 

Someone even started a rumour that Rich was gay. Rich didn't start any fire, but the news about him setting one spread through school. Only ones who knew the truth were Jake and Michael. 

Everything felt heavy. Micheal was laying on his bed, not wanting to move. He didn't go to school that day. It was too heavy. His room felt heavy. He felt too heavy. He cried. He felt guilty about Rich, who was still not waking up. He felt guilty about Jake, who couldn't walk and who wasn't going to perform in the school play. Micheal could let himself think. Thinking meant thinking about Jeremy. Micheal didn't remember the time when Jeremy wasn't a part of his everyday life. Best way to deal with not thinking was escaping in music. Music helped him deal with emotions and clear his head. 

Michael searched his play list for a song that fitted his emotions. When he couldn't find it, he decided to play entire sound track of Hamilton by Lin-Manuel Miranda. Micheal admired the man. He was the musical genius Micheal aspired to be. The songs soothed Michael. It wasn't until Burn started playing, when Micheal realised that his situation and Eliza's were very similar. He put the song on loop. Somewhere during his tenth listen to the same song Jake texted him, updating him that Rich had woken up. 

'he wants to see you' Jake texted him. 

Micheal wiped his tears away. The world was too heavy. 

When Rich woke up both Michael and Jake visited him in the hospital. Rich apologised about the way he acted. What he did, before and during the party. There were a lot of tears during visits. Jake apologised too, even if he didn't do anything wrong. Micheal apologised as well, because he felt as if it was his fault that both boys had casts. Jake and Micheal assured Rich that it wasn't his fault that he had a breakdown, or anything that he had done while he had a working squip. Squip controlled him, made him think and act the way he did. They assured him that he will get help, and will get better. Rich cried. 

Jake shared his troubled family history. Why he was going back to an empty house. Why he was able to throw a reckless party in the first place. He cried while talking about his parents leaving him alone. Micheal explained why he was at the party. The real story. He wasn't entirely sure why he told them about his crush, but he did. He told them how he realised he liked Jeremy. How Jeremy bought the squip and how he wanted his old Jeremy back. He cried as he told them about what happened in the bathroom at the party. He told them how he had given up on Jeremy. He lost his best friend. The bond between three boys grew during each visit. It was a while until they felt comfortable joking around with each other.

Phillipa Soo's voice only made Michael miss Jeremy more. Each word of the song felt heavy, and too real. Jeremy was his Alexander, but he wasn't. Michael felt connected to Eliza. She too was betrayed by the person she loved. Michael knew Jeremy wasn't his the way Alexander was Eliza's, but it still hurt. Jeremy wasn't his, but at the same time he was. Jeremy was his. His best friend. His almost something more. Michael picked up a piece of trinket that was tied with a happy memory he shared with Jeremy. That memory didn't fill him with joy he usually felt. It was like an anchor, pulling him down. He couldn't breathe. God Michael hated how pathetic he sounded. He wanted to cry. Everything he owned had Jeremy in it somewhere. Jeremy was his at one point. Jeremy was no longer his. 

I saved every letter you wrote me  
From the moment I read them  
I knew you were mine  
You said you were mine  
I thought you were mine

Micheal was in his room again. Surrounded by little trinkets and memories from his friendship with Jeremy. 12 years of friendship, and it's meaningless now. Like it never happened. It was too heavy. Every happy memory Micheal had of Jeremy was now heavy and painful. Micheal wasn't sure if he stopped crying after his last conversation with Jeremy. 

I’m re-reading the letters you wrote me  
I’m searching and scanning for answers  
In every line  
For some kind of sign  
And when you were mine  
The world seemed to burn

It hurt to pick up even a smallest thing in his room to inspect it. Every piece of paper had some meaning, no matter how small. Trading cards. Video games. Pictures. Tickets to movies or concerts. Everything he had, he shared with Jeremy. Every memory he created in past 12 years he shared with Jeremy. Every smile he had was with Jeremy. Jeremy was there when he needed a shoulder to cry on. Jeremy was there when nobody remembered his birthday. Jeremy. Micheal couldn't bare to think about Jeremy. It was far too painful. To numb his feelings, Michael lit a joint. 

You and your words, obsessed with your legacy...  
Your sentences border on senseless  
And you are paranoid in every paragraph  
How they perceive you

You, you, you…

For Micheal Jeremy was enough. Jeremy was enough. For Jeremy, Micheal just wasn't enough. Jeremy wanted more. Jeremy wanted to be one of the cool kids. Jeremy wanted to be seen. Jeremy left Micheal alone. Micheal crumpled a picture of two of them when they were kids. 

I’m erasing myself from the narrative  
Let future historians wonder how Eliza  
Reacted when you broke her heart  
You have torn it all apart  
I am watching it  
Burn

Micheal felt angry again. How dare Jeremy ignore him. How dare Jeremy pretend everything they been through didn't happen. How dare he. Micheal threw everything with tiniest connection to Jeremy into a trash can. He was angry. Everything hurt. Every memory. He needed to let Jeremy go. It was easy for Jeremy let him go. The only way he could think of letting go of his memories with Jeremy was to burn them. To cleanse himself from Jeremy. If Jeremy forgot about Micheal, why should he hold onto his memories of Jeremy. Jeremy wasn't his anymore.

I’m burning the memories  
Burning the letters that might have redeemed you  
You forfeit all rights to my heart

Micheal sat outside his porch. With a match in his pocket, trash can in one hand and a box of memories he found in his closet in the other. Everything felt too heavy. He looked over each thing before throwing it in the flame. As he threw the item, he threw away the memory that was tied to it. Memories get erased, and Micheal was ready to accept the fact that Jeremy didn't want him. Jeremy didn't want him as a friend, and Jeremy as hell didn't want him as a boyfriend. 

You forfeit the place in our bed  
You sleep in your office instead  
With only the memories  
Of when you were mine  
I hope that you burn

Phillipa's voice gave Micheal courage to let Jeremy go. Jeremy was clear that he didn't want Michael. He threw it into the flaming bucket. Michael let go of his ties with Jeremy with that single motion. Why should he care about Jeremy. It isn't like Jeremy cared about him? Burn started to play again, on a loop.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok...from the musical we know...there were 2 known casualties that ended up in cast, Jake and Rich, and later we find out that Michael helped Rich during Halloween party mental breakdown...
> 
> Now we also learn that nobody actually saw Rich set the fire, they claimed they did, or flat out said 'i wasnt quite there but i know what happened i swear"...also Chloe who hooked up with Jake at the party had no idea Rich set the fire, she only found out from Jenna...and the whole smartphone hour sounds like broken telephone game
> 
> In the play Michael tossed mt Dew red to Jake "this might be a strange request but...can you make Jeremy drink this while i hold him" to which Jake replies "that doesn't sound strange at all"
> 
> HOW IS THAT NOT STRANGE??? SO it hit me
> 
> Richard Goranski never set the house on fire
> 
> So...during the party Rich was having a mental breakdown like full on mental breakdown, and only ones who knew the possible cause would be Jeremy or Michael who knew he had a squip, but Jeremy left the party as soon as his squip got back up and running and told him to go
> 
> That leaves Michael 
> 
> Michael was probably kicked out of bathroom at some point, because its a bathroom and drunk teenagers want to piss and puke
> 
> So Michael sees Rich breaking down and knowing something terrible might happen with a large crowd of teenagers (who, look me in the eye and tell me this wouldn't happen, are probably pulling out their phones and recording Rich having a breakdown and maybe even laughing at him) Michael finds Jake and tells him to send everyone home
> 
> Jake, who at first has no idea how Michael got to his party uninvited, sends everyone home and tries to calm Rich down...but Rich is just rambling about the voice inside his head who wont shut down and how he needs mt dew red, and Michael says he knows where to get the drink that got discontinued and leaves Jake to take care of Rich until he runs to his place and gets some mt dew red he got from that place he gets old timey drinks from
> 
> So when he gets back Jake and Michael have to force Rich to drink the mt dew red, because Rich's squip is fight to stay on
> 
> And you know how everyone badly reacted to only Christine drinking few drops of Mt dew red...Imagine how bad Rich would react if he drank alone mt dew red...probably more than few drops
> 
> Yup, so his whole body was burning hot and he couldn't control his body and it ended up with him injuring himself or his body not being able to react properly to squip being shut down, and while rich was tossing and turning and resisting Jake broke his legs tring to keep Rich from injuring himself even more
> 
> So...then when Jenna found out ambulance was at Jake's house she finds out that Rich was burning...and...broken telephone


	3. When you love somebody you put your pants on for them!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Michael!" Michael heard a familiar voice calling his name. He looked up and saw adult version of Jeremy. 
> 
> "Mr. Heere, what are you doing here?" 
> 
> "We need to talk about Jeremy." 
> 
> "Sorry, Jeremy and I," words didn't feel right to say, "aren't friends anymore-"
> 
> "Do you love him?" 
> 
> Michael must have misheard him. He couldn't process the question. He felt so many emotions in that one second, he wasn't quite sure how to respond. Michael felt his stomach turn. Did Mr. Heere know about his true feelings for Jeremy? How? Since when? Micheal had a feeling he wasn't being subtle about how he felt about Jeremy, but he never imagined that Jeremy's dad would ask him that question. "What?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It was a challenge to make this
> 
> When you love somebody  
> You put your pants on for them!  
> When you love somebody  
> You take a stance just for them  
> Stance just for them!  
> If the fight gets bloody  
> Just keep pushing through 'till the pain is gone  
> When you love somebody  
> You put your pants on!
> 
> Into a coherent dialogue...but I think I did okay??

"Magic the Gathering card he gave me for the birthday no one else remembered..." Michael looked over the card. The card despite being light as a feather, felt heavy in Michael's hand. He was reminded of the worst birthday ever. He was reminded of Jeremy's smile when the other boy wished him happy birthday. In that moment Michael knew he was in love with his best friend. "Burn it." 

He threw the card into the flaming trash. He picked up another item from the memory box. A ticket. He read what was the ticket for. Weird Al. Jeremy and he had so much fun there. Emphasis on had. "Super burn it." 

"Michael!" Michael heard a familiar voice calling his name. He looked up and saw adult version of Jeremy. 

Last thing Michael expected was Mr. Heere to show up. Mr. Heere was wearing thermal underwear, and that's when Micheal realised he too wasn't wearing pants. Michael was also aware of his lit joint. Like any average teen in presence of an adult, he hid the joint pretending he does not smoke weed. 

"Mr. Heere, what are you doing here?" 

"We need to talk about Jeremy." 

Of course that's why Jeremy's dad came to see Michael. He was Jeremy's best friend. Emphasis on was. 

"Sorry, Jeremy and I," words didn't feel right to say, "aren't friends anymore-"

"Do you love him?" 

Michael must have misheard him. He couldn't process the question. He felt so many emotions in that one second, he wasn't quite sure how to respond. Michael felt his stomach turn. Did Mr. Heere know about his true feelings about Jeremy? How? Since when? Micheal had a feeling he wasn't being subtle about how he felt about Jeremy, but he never imagined that Jeremy's dad would ask him that question. "What?"

"He can be little shit sometimes. We both know that," Michael had a hard time listening to Jeremy's dad," But that's no excuse burning incense while he turns himself into a monster!" 

Michael didn't want to stand here and be lectured. He'd been crying since the party, and he hadn't stopped until he started to let his memories of Jeremy burn. Now that his feelings for Jeremy were out in the open he could barely stand infront of Mr. Heere. He and Jeremy looked so much alike, Michael couldn't look at him. 

"Yeah, I'm gonna -" Michael tried to go back inside his house, but Mr. Heere blocked him. 

"I don't know how to help him. But you know him, better than anyone. I need you." 

"But I'm not what he wants." Michael felt heartbroken as he said those words. His voice cracked, and it wasn't because of puberty. 

"But you are just what he needs!" Mr. Heere's voice was reassuring. "When you love somebody you have to take a stance for them. I know it might be hard, but you have to stuck it up. And fight for them. I get that it's painful, but you need to push through it. You need to put your pants on."

"You're here because you need...pants?" 

"Oh no, I need you to reach out to him." 

"Jeremy-" 

"He won't listen to me. And I can't blame him. But someone has to watch his back." 

"If I try harder to be his friend, you have to try harder to be his dad. " Michael felt his voice breaking. If he was to get his Jeremy back, he never wanted to lose him again. For that he would need Mr. Heere to be better father to Jeremy. "There's Kohl's down the street. I don't care what kind- jeans, khaki, leather. You are not leaving that store until you buy a pair." 

Mr. Heere smiled. Michael was reminded how Jeremy's smile looked like. Jeremy looked so much like his dad. Mr. Heere shook hands with Michael. "You drive a hard bargain, son."

Michael could feel the pressure on his chest lifting a bit. Jeremy's dad called him son. That small word filled Michael with confidence he needed to get his Jeremy back. Mr. Heere's advice echoed in Michael's mind. He needed to put on his big boys pants, and he's literal pants,, and face Jeremy. It was hard, and Michael wasn't exactly thrilled to face his fears. He never told Jeremy how he felt about him, because he didn't want to lose his friendship with him. Now he had nothing left to lose. Jeremy barely even looked at him. 

To help Jeremy Michael had to do more research than when he went to the Halloween party. He needed to know if Mountain Dew Red actually turned off squip. He only knew one place where he could find that information. Rich and Michael grew closer after the party. Rich was pretty banged up. 

"Mike M. Nice of you to drop by." Rich greeted him once a nurse pulled the curtain separating his bed.

"Hey, Rich." 

It's weird how conversations with Richard Goranski were never awkward or weird. This was the guy who wrote "RIENDS" on his backpack so that he could spell "BOYFRIENDS" with Jeremy, but at the same time this wasn't the same guy. Real Richard Goranski was as much of a nerd as Michael, if not more. He could quote entire Star Treck franchise. In the hospital he spent his time binge watching x files and friends. 

"How are you holding up?" 

"Can't scratch my own iches," Rich said," but at least my nurse is hot." 

"Your nurse is a guy." 

"Your point?" 

"A guy with that face and a nice job like this? I highly doubt he's still on the market." Michael teased, "And you still need to finish your junior year."

"I know. I have no chance." Rich let out a whine, "But those hands." 

"Dude, I know what you mean. I'd gladly let him take care of me." 

"He would treat us well." Rich dreamily sighed.

"He totally would." Michael agreed. 

Michael told Rich about his conversation with Jeremy's dad. What Michael really wanted to ask was if Mountain Dew Red really work. He needed to prepare a full proof plan to get his Jeremy back. He needed to know if Mountain Dew Red really helped Rich with his squip. He also wanted to know how did it feel for Rich, because from Michael's point of view it looked like Rich was in immeasurable pain. Rich told him that Mountain Dew Red really worked.

"It did hurt. A ton," Rich said," But it helped. Haven't heard that chill pill whispering in my mind since the party." 

Michael nodded. He was sitting next to Rich's bed. His head was down. In his mind he was mapping the way he could get Jeremy to drink the soda. If Jeremy did drink, he will be in unimaginable pain, but if he doesn't he will no longer be Jeremy Michael knew and loved.

"Bi the way." Rich weakly pointed at Michael with his cast and clenched his fingers, leaving only his index finger straight, " Thanks for finding the Mountain Dew and forcing me to drink it." 

"What are you trying to do?" Michael nodded at Rich's hand in the cast. 

"This is the closest thing I can do to finger guns." 

Michael laughed, "Why do all bisexuals make finger guns and bad puns?" 

Rich snorted a small laugh, "I don't know, but that's a stereotype I'd gladly accept."

Michael stared at the ticket for the school's play. His emotions were all over the room. One second he's giddy with excitement, imagining Jeremy on the stage. Next minute he's worried that he wouldn't be able to get Jeremy to drink the soda he'd put in his bag. He was really hoping his plan would work. 

Christine welcomed the audience before the show started. She was in her costume for the show. She looked nice. Michael gripped tightly to his bag, anticipating Jeremy to get on stage. Jake, despite his broken legs, delivered his lines perfectly. Michael was surprised by everyone's great acting. There wasn't even a cough out of place. No awkward acting. No one butchered their lines, or stumbled. It was like a professional production. That's when Michael realised. It was way too good to be a school production. The teenagers in the cast were all squipped. Michael gripped tightly to his bag, checking if Mountain Dew Red was still in it. He took a deep breath before going backstage. 

When he opened the door to the backstage first person Michael saw was Jeremy, and Jeremy looked so relieved to see him as well.

"I was just in the audience, thinking, this is really good for a school play. Then I'm like, this is WAY too good for a school play. They've all been squipped right?" 

"You came to see me in the play?" Jeremy looked so touched.

"Even brought my own refreshments!" Michael pulled out the soda he'd been carrying in his bag.

"Is that?

"Moutain Dew Red. I told you I did my research." 

"That's amazing! Give it to me!"

"Okay." Michael stepped back, holding the drink like a hostage. Before he would give it to Jeremy to drink it, he would need Jeremy to admit he'd been an ass. "Wait. No." 

"But I need it!" 

"And I need an apology. I mean you did treat me like I didn't exist for months, blew me off when I tried to help you -"

"Fine. I'm -" Jeremy faltered at the word, making weird sounds that made no sense. 

"Seriously? Is it that hard to say sorry?" 

"YYYYEEES! C'mon man, this is important!" Jeremy struggled to speak.

"Well this is important to me!" Michael stood firm with his demand. He only needed Jeremy to admit what he did was wrong.

"It's a word!" 

"It's a gesture! Gesture matters!" 

"This is so you!" Jeremy attacked him, but Michael quickly dodged. For a second Michael thought Jeremy used a kung fu technique, which would be beyond weird since Jeremy never trained in kung fu. "You love to feel superior, just because you listen to music on vinyl and eat eel in your sushi and don't care about being popular!" 

"Of course I care! I just know it's never gonna happen!" 

"So you resent me because I wouldn't give up like you did?"

"I don't resent you! I'm jealous you try!" 

"Well I'm jealous you didn’t!" 

"Then why are you hitting me?" 

"I'm not trying to!"

"Don't try harder!"

"It's - Not - Me - It's - My -Squip!" Jeremy pulled back. " I need your help. I'M SORRY!" 

That's all Michael needed to hear. Jeremy reminded Michael of Rich at the party. He tossed as if he was being possessed. Michael ran towards Jeremy, trying to hold him the way Jake held Rich at the party. Jeremy is way too tall for Michael to hold him and make him drink at the same time. By some stroke of luck Jake entered the backstage on his crutches. 

"JAKE! This is going to sound weird, but if I hold down Jeremy, can you make him drink this Mountain Dew Red?" Michael threw the bottle at Jake. Knowing what they both did for Rich, Michael had a feeling Jake would help him.

"Actually, that doesn't sound weird at all." Jake said as he caught it. As soon as the bottle touched his hands, Jake grabbed his head in pain. Jake smiled like an evil villian and he poured the drink on the ground. Michael watched in horror as Jake laughed at the spilt drink. Jake too? He felt stupid for not realising it sooner.

"Check this out!" Jake said as he threw down his crutches.

"It healed your legs? " Jeremy asked.

"No. But I can't feel pain. It's awesome!" 

Brooke and Chloe entered backstage in unison and greeted Jeremy. Michael was reminded of twins from the Shining. Everything they said or did, they did in unison. 

"I'm not mad you broke my heart and slept with my best friend," Brooke said.

"And I am not mad you dated my best friend and wouldn't sleep with me," Chloe said.

"He didn't sleep with you?"

"No."

"He didn't sleep with me!" 

"No!" 

The two girls hugged each other and promised to be best friends forever. To Michael it was weird seeing girls bond ove the fact that they both didn't sleep with the same guy. He remembered seeing Chloe naked and instantly regretting it. 

"Michael. The bottle. There's few drops left." Jeremy whispered, and Michael forgot all about seeing Chloe using a blanket to cover herself.

"How am I supposed to pass them?" 

"Apocalypse of the damned. Level nine-" Michael understood his best friend. 

Using the skills he learned from the video game, Michael slipped passed the girls and picked up the bottle. He quickly sealed the bottle to save those precious drops, and raised the bottle so that Jeremy sees he's got it.

"I know what you're doing Michael." Jenna Rolan stood in front of him, blocking him from Jeremy. "I know what everyone is doing! ALL THE TIME!" 

"I FEEL SO CONNECTED TO YOU GUYS!" People backstage said in unison. 

Michael tossed Jeremy the bottle, completely trusting him that he would drink it. Through the crowd it was very hard to see or hear what was going on. Michael saw Jeremy standing in front of Christine. Jeremy gave her the bottle. Michael wanted to scream. Christine drank the last drops. This wasn't the plan. Jeremy should have drank the soda. Michael didn't have time to yell out to Jeremy before Christine screamed in pain and clutched her head. Soon enough everyone followed suit. Michael covered his ears. It wasn't long before other teachers rushed in to see what was going on. Someone called 911. 

Hospital visits became habit for Michael. He would talk to Rich until other kids were cleared for visitors. He learned that Rich and Jeremy shared the room. They both had their squip longer than the rest, so that's why they paired them together. 

"-your buddy? Anti-social headphones kid? He's been by like a ton, by the way." Michael heard Rich as he entered the hospital room. "What is he, your boyfriend? No judgment. Just curious. Totally bi now." 

Michael had to stop Rich before he tells Jeremy about his crush. "I'm sure someone special would be lucky to have you, Rich."

Rich looked genuinely touched. "You think?" 

Now that he changed the subject from him and Jeremy Michael pulled the curtain shutting Rich out. Jeremy asked about the play, and Michael explained to him his theory what happened after Christine had drank the soda. He left out the part where he was worried that only those who drank the soda would be affected. 

"Turns out you do not have to destroy every squip. Just one. And the rest just, " Michael made an hand gestures mimicking explosions, "BOOM BOOM BOOM!" 

There was a beat of silence, where Jeremy blankly stared at Michael. 

"I don't get it. After everything I did... You're still there for me. Why?" Jeremy looked broken and alone. 

"I can't take all the credit. Your dad can be shockingly persuasive." Michael rubbed the back of his neck, hoping Jeremy doesn't notice a slight blush. 

Right on cue Mr. Heere walked in the room, and true to his word he wore pants. Jeremy got grounded, but Michael could tell he was happy. Michael had his friend back and Jeremy had his dad back. 

"Now let's get down to business: who is this Christine person, and why did I have to hear about her from him?" Jeremy's dad pointed to Michael. 

Jeremy looked away from his dad. He guiltly said how he doubted that Christine would want to see him again after what he did. How she would probably rather change schools than be around him. Michael looked away too. Mr. Heere knew about his feelings for Jeremy. Michael could feel Mr. Heere's eyes on him, and he glanced to meet his eyes. He couldn't pin point if he saw pity or reassurance in Mr. Heere's eyes. 

"It's reassuring. He still doesn't know anything about girls." Michael smiled at Mr. Heere. 

Jeremy's dad sat on Jeremy's bed. "You can buy her a rose, complement her outfit." 

"Say you appreciate," Michael struggled to find a good advice to tell Jeremy, "that she's smart." 

Rich pulled his curtain that separated him and Jeremy, revealing that he'd been eavesdropping, "No man, you tell her that she excites you sexually."

Michael wanted to laugh at Rich's advice. It was like he was trying to sabotage Jeremy and Christine before they even happen, or he too had no idea how to talk to girls. Not to mention he used enough s' sounds for his lisp to be noticable. 

After Jeremy was released from hospital, he had to do a physical and psychological therapy. Only girls didn't have to do the physical therapy. Few weeks since going back to school Jeremy asked out Christine, and the two started dating. Michael was happy for him. Jake, Rich and even the girls, Brooke, Chloe and Jenna, made Michael feel apart of their group, even if he never got a squip of his own. Michael joined the theatre as a backstage crew. He was much more comfortable there, than on the stage. No matter how many times Christine had told him he could act. Michael liked watching Jeremy perform. He really liked just watching him from a far, and being there to help him with his quick changes. Michael was just glad he got his charming, geeky, funny and kind Jeremy back. He was content with just being his friend.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> P.s. I PASSED MY GRADUATION EXAMS!!! I'M SO HAPPY!!!


End file.
